The Math of Losing a Loved One

Grief is not a problem to be solved, but a journey to be undertaken

Often, society seems to dictate how we should process grief. Photo by panyawat auitpol on Unsplash

The loss of a loved one is one of the most universal, yet most intimate, experiences we can face. Although it's a common experience, society often seems to dictate how we should process grief, setting unrealistic timelines for recovery. However, the reality of loss is far from a linear process with a clear endpoint.

A path that has no expiration date

It's common to hear that "time heals all wounds" or that "we have to move on." But is this really the case? When we lose someone close, especially someone with whom we've shared a large part of our lives, the idea of ​​"getting over it" in weeks or months feels alien and, often, hurtful. Family and friends, with the best of intentions, suggest it's time to "get back to normal." However, what's not understood is that normalcy, as we knew it, has been irrevocably transformed.

Is it possible, for example, to get over the loss of a person with whom we shared 30 years of our lives in one year? Do we think a mother will ever get over the absence of the daughter she carried in her womb for nine months and watched grow up? Simple arithmetic tells us that the pain of a 40-year relationship with our mother won't disappear in two. Even if we apply cold logic, we could speculate that it would take us at least forty years to begin to feel his absence less, perhaps in the year forty-one or forty-two.

An Unbreakable Bond

The case of mothers is particularly revealing. The bond is so deep and primal that the age at which the child dies is irrelevant. That "hole" in the heart, that absence, seems never to heal. This leads us to the conclusion that loss is not a condition or illness that can be "cured," although we sometimes treat it as such. It is called loss because a part of us, intrinsically linked to that person, goes with them.

Beyond Logic: Personal Transformation

A loss is not an isolated event; it is a profound transformation. We change completely, either because that person took a part of our essence or because we are forced to mutate to survive. It is an inherent decision: to change or perish.

Society, in its attempt to rationalize the irrational, often fails to understand that the search for an answer to the question "why?" becomes a central obsession for those who suffer. It is a constant struggle to understand the incomprehensible. Perhaps in the future, technology will allow us to recreate those who have departed, offering us the opportunity for a gradual goodbye, a farewell that our minds can process little by little.

Because the truth is that the mind resists the concept of "never." We can understand twenty or thirty years without seeing a loved one, but we refuse to accept that we will never see our mother, father, or child again for the rest of our lives. For those who lost a parent in 1992, that event happened "yesterday." Waiting, that unwavering faith that a loved one will return through the work of God, life, or the universe, can last a lifetime.

Between sadness and guilt

As time passes, the sadness of their absence is compounded by a new and painful feeling: guilt. It's when we realize that, little by little, we are forgetting small details: the scent of their skin, their favorite perfume, the unique way they smiled. We remember their presence, yes, but the nuances, those little touches that made that person unique, begin to slip away from us.

Ultimately, loss defies the mathematics of logic and reason. It is an intimate and personal journey that changes us forever, a grief that, far from being forgotten or overcome, is learned to be carried, to be integrated into the fabric of who we are. ☼

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Alex Guerrero is an aspiring content creator who lives in Lawrence, KS. He’s very vocal in his displeasure over pineapple pizza. Chocolate, on the other hand, makes everything better!